From the small screen to the big

Are you stumped for something to do today? Are you watching Bert Newton or Hewy with the awfully sickening feeling that this will be the sum total of your excitement for the day? I suppose that depends on what Hewy is cooking - something with a great deal of extra virgin olive oil would be my guess. Anyhoo, I just thought I might provide a bit of a guide to what's currently showing on the big screen, just in case Seven's midday movie turns out to be some boring flop form the early nineties (but what are the odds of that?)
So in no particular order, here are a few of the movies now showing:

• Burping Billy (PG) - An unpleasant child develops a fondness for burping. Until one day he burps up something that nobody expected.


• Don't Stop the Coconuts Falling (PG) - A mouse loses his scuba equipment in a game of poker. He then has to raise the Titanic using only a Woolies bag full of helium.


• Farting in Public (PG) - Fantastic screen rendition of the Jane Austin classic. After Lord Harris-Gunford acquires Spendelphine Manor, he returns to London where he invites the English aristocracy to pull his finger.


• Hairy Legs and Enormous Necks (G) - Three giraffes and a plumber named Ethan enter the Eurovision Song Contest. For reasons not satisfactorily explained in the film, one of the giraffes is covered in paper mache.


• The Hobbit Goes to Court (M) - A shameless cross-promotion. When Bilbo Baggins is accused of throwing a waitress off the roof of Hobbiton's new hotel/casino he enlists the help of the cast of Channel Ten's CSI: Middle Earth.


• How to Marry a Sock (G) - In an attempt to avoid paying tax, a wealthy ice-cream man tries to marry his undergarments. He falls in love with the tax lady and all is well until his sock finds out...


• Lewis Doesn't Live Here Anymore, He Moved to Adelaide (PG) - A young man with enormous ambition (and buttocks) moves to Adelaide to start his own whipper-snipper.


• The Long Walk to the Two Dollar Shop (PG) - In search of a bargain, Laura Applehead finds true love and a set of picture frames for $2.


• Swallowing Sea Water (G) - On a beach holiday, Herman Buttenship accidentally drinks too much sea water and vomits at dinnertime.


• Tetanus: The Musical (G) - A wandering songwriter treads on a rusty nail and develops tetanus. He turns the entire community health team into a magical musical world until they reduce the dosage of his painkillers.


• Titanic 2: Revenge of the Deep (MA)- Jack Dawson is found alive in the raised wreckage of the Titanic. To celebrate, he and the old woman take a cruise on P & O's new Titanus.


• Urinating in Public (PG) - John "The Hose" Hardwick brings a Sydney cafe/bar to bankruptcy.